Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize