Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
