I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
