I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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