If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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