dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
