I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
