dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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