Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
