So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
