EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize