I wish I could teleport
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
