My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
