Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
