so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
