I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
