I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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