I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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