then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
