Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
