We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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