Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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