I showed him my bush... on skype.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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