I just cut my nipple shaving
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
