Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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