The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
