they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
