You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
