i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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