Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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