Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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