Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize