Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
