I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
