Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Terrible idea I love it
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
