How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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