As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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