I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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