this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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