I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
