my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
