I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
