dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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