I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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