just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
