there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
