The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
