He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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