erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
