did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
