i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
