My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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