a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
