R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Drake has all the answers
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
