im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
