Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
