I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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