Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
