just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
