: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I died a long time ago.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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