Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
